You know this expression „Be careful what you wish for?”.
Yeah. So, just in case… Be careful. All this – forever young, all powerful, imperishable thing isn’t worth the paper it is written on. But back to the topic.
My first meeting with the Red Dimension representative was kind of rough. No “hello” or “nice to meet you”. Just a tough fact of life. My Infernal Attendant’s (as he used to call himself) name was Dick (as I used to call him, but he was also known as Richard) and trust me he earned that abridgment in the first five seconds of our relation. When he found me, I still hadn’t really realized what I was. The only clear thing was that I was over-stressed and needed to chill. So I did what any girl at my place would have done. I went shopping… and that’s when Dick decided to show up.
Imagine. I was perfectly happily flipping over another pile of blouses from ONLY when some strange guy grabbed my hand.
“Let’s go.” He ordered, while trying to whip my arm out.
“What’s wrong with you man? Let me go!”
The more I tried to get away from him, the harder he held me.
“You stupid bitch have no idea who I am, don’t you?”
I stopped jerking and took a step closer to him.
“You’re a dick.” I snapped. “And now you’re a hurting dick” I added while I knocked his groin into the middle of next week . Maybe it was a low blow, but it worked. The idiot let me go and I took off to the ladies’ room like a bat out of hell.
“On Lucifer’s bouncing balls! Who was he?” I gasped, slamming the door behind me.
“Wouldn’t call him here, if I were you.” The creepy voice startled me almost to death, but after looking around, I saw no one.
“Where are you, you pervert?!” My cry bounced off the walls and echoed a few times.
A sickening laugh cut through the air.
“Pillow talk already?”
I got the feeling that atoms all around me started to vibrate. Faster and faster until it made me barely conscious. Seconds before everything around blasted, leaving only a lot of smoke and out of it came Dick and his stupid smile.
“Told you, you were going with me.” He hissed and then knocked me out with one smooth motion.
I woke up in hell. Literally.
A few moments after opening my eyes, I could still hear a strange, humming and vibrating sound inside my head. I blinked, trying to ward off the flashing lights in front of my eyes and froze. I was lying on sort of a Roman Couch and had only a stone celling above me. The only problem was that the ceiling was about fifty meters above me…
“What the …” I murmured, raising on my hands.
“Welcome back” Replied a strange, amused voice.
I ignored it and stood up semiconsciously, fast enough to spin my head.
„O shit” I whispered.
Only now I could really look around and what did I see? Well, I did not like it. My couch was at the center of the big, rock island floating in the air. I am not joking. The mass of different-sized stones held together like some kind of a pipe dream, merrily rising about thirty meters above the other horizontal surface, which I would prefer not to see. Okay… Let’s just admit it. I drifted over the fucking, gushing, red lava! As if that was not enough, this whole would-be-island was connected only with some dark tunnel by a narrow lane that no sane man would choose to walk on. I choose not to try it either.
I thought the merrily blazing sparks, each at least the size of my thumb, were here already merely for the effect. That was until one managed to burn my shirt before I could extinguish it. Anyway, no need. Even before I was scared out of my wits.
Completely confused, I dropped back to my seat.
Only a low, almost voluptuous laugh answered me.
“I doubt he will drop by.” Said a man emerging from behind a pillar, which I could have sworn was not there before.
“It’s just a dream, just a dream, just a dream…” I kept repeating myself.
“But no.” Stranger suggested sarcastically.
Terrified I clenched my eyes shut and with all my strength thumped myself in the face. It hurt. Not good.
“Motherfucker, it’s for real.”
My companion roared with laughter and recognition raised his eyebrows. My behavior must have been extremely funny for him.
“I have not seen it here yet.” He gasped.
He began to bend as if to sit and I have already reached out in a silent gesture to stop him, before he would fall to the floor like a fool. However, in the moment his legs buckled, a chair materialized under his ass. In exactly the same way a few seconds later a beer popped out in his hand. Much to my surprise instead of using the opener, the stranger simply waved his hand over it and the cap flew off to melt with the quiet hiss into the lava below.
“Who are you…” I hadn’t managed to finish before I was interrupted.
“Lucifer.” He said nonchalantly, crossing his legs and drinking the first sip of a cold drink.
“Lucifer. This original, not Tom Ellis. Although if you prefer…” He muttered and his features changed in the blink of an eye.
“How did you…” I lacked the words to complete a logical sentence. How could this guy in a fraction of seconds remodel features of his entire face and become a little better copy of Tom Ellis?
“I already told you” He said even more nonchalantly.
I felt almost like he offended my intelligence, so I took two steps towards him.
“Great joke. Where’s the punch line?”
The guy laughed, but the laugh was nothing like a pleasant banter.
“This is no joke, gorgon. You belong to me now.”
I raised my hands defensively.
“Keep your shirt on, cowboy. You are going to tell me that what? I died and I came to hell?”
Okay, I admit. In elementary school I stole a lipstick from the store, didn’t wait to have sex until marriage and I occasionally swear like a trooper, but that’s no reason to condemn me to eternal damnation, isn’t it?
I looked at him expectantly.
“Take it easy, honey. There’s a lot of work in front of us”. He muttered and casually waved his hand. A beer appeared in my hand so quickly that I barely managed to grab it. If I wasn’t so scared I would probably have refused, but alcohol was now exactly what I needed.
“The problem is not that you died” He continued. “You only sold your soul to us, sweetheart.”
The portion of beer, which actually was in my mouth exploded in a long wave. I swear – the word sweetheart has never sounded so cold.
“Excuse me, what?!”
“You know the guy with glowing eyes that changed in a heap of stones in front of you?”
I nodded mutely.
“He was a gorgon, sweetheart. You can google it later. By killing him you took his place.”
“I’m nobody’s sweetheart and I haven’t…”
“Shh!” He muted me with one smooth motion of his palm. In a blink of an eye, he was next to me. “Don’t think too much, you might hurt yourself.”
“You…” I had so many disgusting terms on the tip of my tongue that I did not know which one to choose.
“Okay. Okay. Stop it or you will become air-locked out of this anger. And now get out. I have other things to attend to.”
Before I could say anything else I hit my ass hard on the edge of the bed in my own room. I jumped up and noticed that I was wearing pajamas. The alarm clock rang and it told me it was 6.30 a.m. – time to work.
“Fuck me sideways! If I wouldn’t have dreamt about it ever again, it would be too soon.”
Absent-mindedly I waved my hand to turn off the howling alarm, but instead of a small, plastic button I found a half full bottle of cold beer…
“No fuckin’ way!”
“Have a good day.” The now too well known voice laughed. “See you soon. I can promise you, it will be fun as hell.”
I freaked out so much that I fainted.
It was my first real hell rally. I have come a long way from where I began, but still I have not felt like it was more real. For the first year, every day I got up in the morning and thought to myself “You have imagined it!” and then did something just as mindless as punching a knife in my own hand or cutting off one of the limbs, but the effect was the same. Pain of the treatment and a lot of mess. Nothing more, nothing less. From what my best friend, which by the way is a succubus, once told me, I could cut off my head and besides a stain on the floor and the poor condition of regrowing hair tips it would not affect me anyhow.
I stopped in front of the bookstore door. End of remembrance. Time to deal with the present.
“Hello, Ed” I muttered to a chewing sound from behind one of the shelves.
Cat, my colleague, a short choleric with black hair whom I liked the most here, almost got the hiccups of laughter.
“I see someone got up with the left foot today.” She laughed.
“Can they both be left?” I asked rhetorically.
Doorbell announcing the customer entrance interrupted our banter.
“We won’t be open for the next…” I started, but I could not finish the sentence.
“… 5 minutes.” Finished Cat.
In the doorway stood handsome as a young Adonis himself my former fiancé. Five years ago I broke up with him for obvious reasons. It was easier than say, “Hey, you know. From now on I will not age, even a day, I can’t have children, I sold my soul and wait for the best part! I am a minion of hell.” Not the best way to start a marriage with…
But not even that knowledge affect the way he worked on me.
His brown hair scattered in even more disarray than the usual way, made my heart flip in my chest. And when his blue eyes became aware of my presence, I froze, too busy staring at his hand on the waist of a high brunette called Shiny. Seriously, Shiny? Who named a child like that?
In my imagination, I’ve already chopped her head off, ripped her tongue out and turned her into stone more than twice, but the truth was… There were too many witnesses for me to do any of it (bunch of people turned into stones to cover it up would probably draw some attention too) so I’ve decided for the only possible thing for now. Kill her with my attitude.
But at the end it was Cat who saved the situation.
„How can I help you?”
“We’re looking for a gift” Nick explained.
I could not pass up the opportunity. Fuck attitude.
“And are you sure it isn’t better to buy something shiny?” I asked as politely as I could. “For example a bracelet?”
Nick rolled his eyes and took a step toward me.
“It was poor even for you, Kris.”
I bowed proudly.
By the way do you see the irony? I don’t know if you got that, but my name I got from my grandmother, who came from Czechoslovakia and it means the same as “follower of Christ”. 10 points for you karma, 10 points for you.
“From what I remember, you never really minded me being low…” I said with a wry smile.
That made Shiny change color from pale to a purple red and even though to my disappointment she did not let go steam out of her ears, it still looked amazing.
“I’ll never understand what happened to you.” Nick said with a certain sorrow.
He took his girl, who was slowly turning ripe cherry-red by the arm and they left the shop. The thought of what he said made me clench my fists, but I could do nothing more. Okay, I admit. That was me who left him, but what could I do? And I certainly did not know how to stop being so damn jealous…
“What was that?!” Ed almost run out from behind a rack.
I raised my eyebrows and only slowly breathed.
“You should get laid boss.” I murmured. “Because with all due respect, you’re a little stiff.”